For SCIENCE!

Sometimes I experiment with food. No, not in a sexual way you perverts, and even if I did, that sort of nonsense would be addressed on my other blog, Gin and Judgment. But, after a lovely lunch outing with Boyfriend, wherein we shared some sort of delicious cheesy melty thing, I took it upon myself to dissect the thing and figure out what was in it and try my damndest to recreate it for our in-home-eating enjoyment.

I love when I get things right on the first try. Experimenting with food, for SCIENCE!

Better-Than-Hot-Pocket

GET THIS:

1 package of large crescent rolls, unrolled into four rectangles

1 cup broccoli florets

1 cup chicken breast, cubed into very small pieces.

1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

Parmesan cheese and parsley flakes, for garnish

DO THIS:

1. On a greased cookie sheet, lay out two of the crescent roll rectangles for the base crust.

2. Season chicken well with salt and pepper and, you know, whatever.

(This is less of a recipe and more of a set of assembly instructions, so take lots of liberties)

3. Sautee the chicken in light olive oil until thoroughly cooked.

4. While the chicken is cooking, steam the broccoli to desired tenderness. I prefer mine slightly firm because it will continue to soften in the oven as you bake the sandwich/hot pocket/calzone/stromboli/whatever this thing is.

5. Assemble the fillings while still warm. Layer cheese on the bottom crust, top with chicken and finish off with broccoli.

6. Cover the filling with the other rectangle of dough, allowing the natural split (since they're supposed to be triangles, after all) to split, leaving a gap for air to escape and the lovely green color of the broccoli to peek through.

7. Seal the sides well by folding up and around the edges like a pie crust. Oooh, it's almost like a pot pie without the pie pan!

8. Sprinkle the top with shredded Parmesan cheese and parsley flakes.

9. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or until golden brown and the cheese is all melty and delicious.

Serves 2. Easy to double or triple or even quadruple to make ahead of time. They microwave very well and are full of good nutrients, and no crazy weird preservatives so they bonus as a healthy lunch selection to throw in your purse or super manly messenger bag.

For SCIENCE!

I'm Loaded.

I completely forgot all about this recipe for stuffed baked potatoes until recently. I used to make them all the time when I was commandeering my mother's kitchen as a teenager, discovering new things to combine and new ways to make food an experience, rather than a chore. I attempted them again this weekend, but the potato skins would not cooperate and I had to improvise...

Twice Baked Broccoli Ranch Potatoes

GET THIS
4 large russet potatoes (try to find ones with really thick skin)
1 c. Ranch dressing
1 small bag frozen broccoli, thawed and drained
2 Tbsp. butter
Salt and Pepper to taste
Paprika

DO THIS
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Pierce washed potatoes several times with a fork, microwave on high for 10-15 minutes until mostly cooked. This will speed up the process immensely.
3. Place the potatoes in the hot oven for another 15 minutes. Foil is optional, though it helps give a good dark color to the potato skins.
4. Remove from the oven, slice the tops of the potatoes off lengthwise.
5. GENTLY scoop out the insides of the potatoes with a spoon, taking care not to tear the skins too much (this is also where foil helps. This weekend I had no foil and gave up on the skins after the second one failed me.)
6. Combine the potato innards with Ranch dressing, butter, salt and pepper in a large bowl until thoroughly mixed. You can make it as lumpy or as smooth as your culinary heart desires.
7. Stuff the mixture back into the potato skins, piling it high. Sprinkle generously with paprika.
8. Return to the oven for another 15 minutes.

Serves 4.

If your skins fail you, however, this also makes an excellent loaded mashed potato, which is what I ended up with, paired with steak and lovely conversation.

Racist Chili

It's cold. It's really friggin' cold. Like, it's been below zero all week here in Anchorage. The automatic starter on my truck is refusing to work properly - not that I blame it. My eyelashes are freezing and my glasses fog up when I step outside. It's friggin miserable. Today, I needed something to warm up from the inside out. And I didn't start my apple cider pork stew before I left for work today, so I had to run to the store after work and try to figure out what to make. I texted my roommate and said, "How about white chili with chicken?" To which he responded, "Racist chili?"

RACIST CHILI

GET THIS

2 lbs. chicken breast fillets

2 cans Great Northern beans

2 cans garbanzo beans

2 cans cannellini beans (white kidney beans)

1 can sweet corn

48 oz. (one large box) of reduced fat chicken broth

6, yes, 6 cloves garlic

2-3 tablespoons olive oil

2 teaspoons cayenne pepper

2 teaspoons oregano

1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon ground cumin

salt and pepper

garlic salt

thickening flour

onion powder

Shredded cheese

DO THIS

1. Peel and chop the garlic. I didn't chop it very finely, because, well, garlic is awesome.

2. Cut the chicken into small cubes.

3. Sautee the garlic in the bottom of a large stock pot in the olive oil, about three minutes or until tender. Add the cumin, oregano, cayenne pepper, salt, and black pepper, stir well, and add the chicken to the pot. Stir well to coat the chicken evenly in the spice mixture, brown evenly while stirring frequently.

4. Add the chicken broth, stir well, and allow to simmer slightly.

5. Drain all the cans and add the beans and the corn to the pot, stir well.

6. Bring to a high simmer, add garlic salt and onion powder to taste. Stir frequently, simmer uncovered for 15-30 minutes. Add thickening flour to desired thickness.

7. Stir in shredded cheese until completely melted.

Spooky good. It looks innocent, but it packs a spicy bite that is rather unexpected, and serves 8.

The Luck o' the Irish....Cupcake...

Americans have a great habit of using other nation's holidays as an excuse to drink and eat luxuriously, celebrating the traditions of foreign lands as their own with family, friends, and complete strangers. It's an excess that we have down to a science, often making our Americanized celebrations more lavish and over-the-top than in their country of origin. How many times have you regained consciousness in a tequila-soaked fog of regret, finding yourself in a stranger's bathtub wearing little more than a sombrero that was lovingly crafted by a child worker in Taiwan and the remains of the cheap nachos you consumed at the bar the night before on the 6th of May? Not that I did that, and not that there are photos of it. (I didn't. And there aren't.)

In addition to our penchant for celebrating holidays that don't technically have anything to do with us as Americans, we have cleverly disguised our rampant alcoholism by celebrating the milestones leading to these holy days of drinking. And in pondering this phenomenon today, I realized we are just over a month away from Halfway To St. Patrick's Day! This September 18th, don the most outrageous green shirt you've got, raise a pint to the Emerald Isle, and savor one or more of these unbelievably decadent cupcakes. One bite, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow will suddenly become unimportant...

IRISH CAR BOMB CUPCAKES

GET THIS

For The Cupcakes-
1 cup Guiness stout, from a can
2 sticks unsalted butter
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (preferably Dutch-process)
2 cups all purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
2/3 cup sour cream

For the Ganache Filling-
8 ounces semi-sweet chocolate, chopped (or semi-sweet chocolate chips)
2/3 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons butter, room temperature
1 to 2 teaspoons Irish whiskey

For the Baileys Frosting-
3 to 4 cups powdered sugar
1 stick unsalted butter, at room temperature
3 to 4 tablespoons Bailey's Irish Creme (original flavor, not chocolate mint or caramel)

Note: You will need either a 1" round cookie cutter, an apple corer, or be very skilled with the concept of taking out part of the center of a cupcake with some other tool...

DO THIS

Cupcakes-
1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Line 24 cupcake cups with liners.
2. Bring 1 cup stout and 1 cup butter to simmer in heavy large saucepan over medium heat. Add cocoa powder and whisk until mixture is smooth. Cool slightly.
3. In your electric mixer, beat eggs and sour cream until well blended. Add the beer butter and beat on low until just combined. On low speed, briefly add in flour, sugar and baking soda, turn off mixer and fold gently with a spatula.
4. Divide batter among cupcake liners, filling them 2/3 to 3/4 of the way. Bake cake until tester inserted into center comes out clean, rotating them once front to back if your oven bakes unevenly, about 17 minutes.
5. Cool cupcakes on a rack completely.

Ganache Filling-
1. Place chopped chocolate or chocolate chips in a heatproof bowl.
2.Heat the whipping cream until just simmering (for best results, place the cream in a bowl or heatproof glass in a pan of boiling water to prevent scalding the cream).
3. Pour the simmering cream over the chocolate, let sit for one minute, then stir until completely smooth. If some chocolate remains unmelted, 20 seconds in the microwave under close supervision will take care of it.
4. Add the butter and whiskey, and stir until combined. Let cool until the filling thickens to the consistency of cake icing. (You can refrigerate the filling, but stir it every ten minutes to maintain consistency)

Filling the Cupcakes-
1. Cut the centers out of the cooled cupcakes. Remove the center about 2/3 of the way down.
2. Fill a pastry piping bag with the ganache - if you don't have one, fill a Ziploc bag and cut a small hole in the corner.
3. Slowly fill each cupcake to the top.

Make the Frosting-
1. Whip the butter in the bowl of an electric mixer, or with a hand mixer, for several minutes. You want to get it very light and fluffy. Slowly add the powdered sugar, a few tablespoons at a time - adding too much at once makes the frosting a little grainy.
2. Whip in the Bailey's until smooth. If this makes your frosting too thin, beat in another spoonful or two of powdered sugar.
3. Frost the cupcakes as desired, either with a spatula or a pastry piping bag.

Decadent, delicious, and makes 24 cupcakes.

Yellow Leaves Already??

It's not even August yet, so imagine my surprise when I got into my truck this morning for work, flicked the windshield wipers on to get rid of last night's rain, and four or five yellow leaves went flying off the glass. It's rained for almost two weeks straight in Alaska, in what is supposed to be our glorious summer. It's not fair. The gloomy weather is putting me in the mind of fall-related things, like sweaters, and bonfires with friends passing bottles of wine while wrapped in blankets, and hearty stews that warm you to the core and keep that fire burning at night. Normally, I only make this stew in the fall or winter months, but I might break down and make it this weekend. If you decide to, your taste buds will thank you.

APPLE CIDER PORK STEW

GET THIS
2 pounds pork loin, cubed
3 cups baby carrots, halved
2 pounds baby red potatoes, quartered
1-2 Fiji apples, cut into medium pieces
1.5 cups apple cider
Wondra Gravy and Sauce flour (this is the only thickener I have ever gotten to work with this recipe)
Salt and pepper to taste

DO THIS
1. Combine all ingredients except for flour in a slow cooker on high for 4-5 hours.
2. Reduce to medium setting and simmer for 1-2 hours, stirring occasionally.
3. Before serving, shake flour into the mixture and stir thoroughly until stew reaches desired thickness.
4. Serve with sweet dinner rolls.

**Also, you can leave this stew to cook while you're at work for 8 hours on medium.

Serves 4-6.

Cheesecake and Religion.

I ascended to the role of Cheesecake Goddess after literally four years of trying to recreate a chocolate macadamia nut cheesecake for my dad. I used every recipe book I could find and eventually developed my own recipe. Over the course of my quest, I also (finally) discovered tricks and tips for making your cheesecake come out perfectly. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have a cheesecake come out of the oven with a giant crack down the center, or a crust that is more crumb than crust. For now, I will share the recipe for my basic cheesecake, from which you can add melted chocolate, or swirls of strawberry, or pureed pumpkin, or whatever you want to make it your own. I've included all my tips to keep it from cracking. Cos that REALLY pisses me off.

Goddess Cheesecake

GET THIS
32 oz. cream cheese (Four 8 oz. boxes)
3 large eggs
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1.5 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup melted butter

DO THIS
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Stir the melted butter and crumbs together in a 9" or 10" springform pan. Spread evenly with a fork.
3. Blend cream cheese and sugar together with an electric mixer, adding vanilla at the end. Blend until smooth.
4. Add eggs, one at a time, and blend until smooth.
5. Continue to mix for a full minute, this allows air into the batter and makes for a fluffier cheesecake. Omit this step if you prefer a thicker, denser cheesecake.
6. Pour the batter over the crust, use a spatula to make the batter even. Place on the middle rack of your oven.
7. Directly below the cheesecake, place a large, ovensafe bowl filled with water.
8. Bake at 350 for one hour or until edges are brown and dry.
9. Turn off the oven and leave the door cracked for ten minutes. This allows the heat to escape and begins the cooling process slowly.
10. Remove the cheesecake from the cooled oven and place on the stovetop. The residual heat from the oven heat escaping into the kitchen will continue the gradual cooling process and prevent cracking.
11. When the cake is fully cooled, place it in the refrigerator for four hours or overnight.

Enjoy. You just reached the deity status.

Serves 8-10.

My Secret Weapon

I tend to consider myself a well-rounded broad. I'm a comedian, a student, a singer, an artist - but I'm no gourmet chef. I can follow recipes and the result is something tasty, but my cheesecakes inevitably come out with large cracks that I hide with fruit topping. My roasts never come out with perfect slicability, instead falling apart when prodded with a fork (it's actually very good, it just interferes with presentation). It's hard for me to create a dish that looks as good as it tastes.

Except for one.

I'm cooking for a guy tonight. And, like most single guys, the prospect of a meal cooked for them by someone else negates the necessity of making it look pretty - parsley springs tend to go unnoticed - but there is a particular dish that looks good, tastes good, and makes me look like a gourmet chef in 4" heels. Use at your own discretion, this dish has been known to go straight to a man's heart.

Pan-Seared Sirloin with Garlic and Olive Oil Mashed Potatoes and Beaujolais-Butter Sauce

GET THIS:
Potatoes-
14 oz. Yukon gold potatoes, peeled and quartered
Extra Virgin olive oil, about two tablespoons
Salt and Pepper
1-2 garlic cloves, minced or food processed

Steak-
2 7oz. sirloins, 1" thick
Salt and pepper
2-3 Tablespoons butter
1/2 cup sliced button mushrooms
Extra Virgin olive oil
1/2 glass Beaujolais wine*

DO THIS:
1. Boil the potatoes in salted water under tender. Drain, let cool for 4 minutes. Return to a large mixing bowl and mash to desired consistency.
2. Stir in a large glug of olive oil, the garlic, the butter, and salt and pepper to taste.
3. Cover with plastic wrap to keep warm if necessary.

1. While the potatoes are boiling, heat a large, heavy frying pan. Brush the steaks with olive oil on both sides and season well with salt and pepper (for added kick, try Hot Shots - a blend of black and red pepper)
2. Fry the steaks lightly to brown the edges before reducing heat slightly. Turn once a minute, 8 minutes total for medium rare.**
3. Remove the steaks and transfer to a plate to let them rest and let the juices settle.

1. Turn the heat down and add butter and mushrooms to the pan. Sautee mushrooms for 4 minutes, then add wine and let simmer til sauce reduces. Add the juices from the steak. Stir constantly until sauce thickens slightly. Sauce will remain rather thin, it's not a gravy. Pour over steaks, serve with potatoes.

Serves 2.

* Remember to cook with wine that is high enough quality to drink. If you wouldn't drink it, why cook with it? I always cook with the wine I plan to serve for consistency.

** A note on levels of doneness in steak:
Well done = Brown throughout, fully cooked.
Medium well = Slightly pink in the center.
Medium = Very pink in the center, warm throughout.
Medium rare = Red in the center, warm throughout.
Rare = Very red and cool in the center.